TheLeftistRight

Just Cuz

2009-12-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

Kylie (Fantastic Mr. Fox) reminds me of my new dog, Maya. She is special.

Priming the Pump

2009-03-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

So Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Crazyville) has decided to turn down a significant portion of the stimulus funds tagged for her state including roughly $160 million in funds for education. I guess the dumber the populace, the more likely they are to vote Republican.

The Fragility of Ego

2009-02-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

As I attempt to roll back the rock from the cave my self esteem has been locked in for the past three years, I have learned to expect setbacks. However, I did not see the train that hit me yesterday afternoon coming at all. No whistles, flashing lights or crossing barriers, just a lot of weird feelings associated with an odd situation involving friends, lovers, acquaintances, and much second guessing. Oh, fickle ego, why so fragile? You have been crushed by many, but never has something seemingly so benign been so disabling. Sometimes I wish I could crawl in that cave and join what is left of my rotting self esteem.

OK, So Maybe There is a God

2009-01-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

I was two paragraphs into today's Bill Kristol column in the Times and completely enraged. I thought, "This is it, I'm canceling my subscription or maybe just threatening to cancel my subscription." This fuckface was trumpeting all the conservative successes of the past 3 decades. Talk about fiddling while Rome burns. To top it off, I didn't even bother to finish the column and remained somewhat enraged until about 15 minutes ago when I found out that he was no longer with the paper. I quickly returned to the column and noticed this wonderful sentence in italics at the foot of his column: This is William Kristol's last column. Good riddance.

Although, we all know that Bill "All wrong, All the time" Kristol will land safely on his cloven hooves on the conservative lecture circuit, dink tanks, or Fox news. Thanks for nothing you fucking asshole.

Evil Incarnate

2009-01-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

Seriously, was the costume shop completely out of the Devil horns, tail and trident? How else can you explain Dick Cheney's choice of sinister black hat and wheelchair for today's festivities.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

2008-11-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy.

Anniversary Blues

2008-10-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's another one of those days. I guess I should have known when I woke up to the grey skies and light drizzle that things were not all that peachy. I had hoped that because of my situation with someone that I would not spend that much time thinking about her. I was wrong (nothing new there). This is going to be my last post related to our failed relationship. I am done wasting valuable emotional energy on her when I have so much better use for it.

From the Department of this Shit Shouldn't Matter

2008-10-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

The story regarding Sarah Palin's and the RNC's $150k shopping spree would be a non-issue if it weren't for the fact that the Repubs continue to try to bullshit the country into thinking they are the party of fiscal responsibility. Fucking hypocrites. Oh, and anyone who believes that they were really planning on donating the items to charity post election is probably just gullible enough to vote for these a-holes. That excuse sounds a little like trying to put lipstick on a pig! *Rimshot*

A Reasonable Discourse

2008-10-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

Cross posted here

Your esteemed moderator at this fine blog asked me to make a reasoned case for the election of Barack Obama. He gave me no guidelines other than a rough word limit. Therefore, I decided to set a rule for myself. I am going to make my arguments on Obama’s merits, not McCain and Palin’s perceived deficiencies because in my mind that would be akin to shooting fish in a barrel (Ok, I just had to get off one shot…). While I understand that for the most part, the American electorate seems to care very little about actual policy and would much rather concern itself with Inside Edition-like gossipy crap I feel that this election is far too important to get into the kind of worthless discourse that includes race baiting, religious intolerance, class discrimination, and a tremendous amount of outright lies spread through vicious internet based smear campaigns..

I would be tremendously off base if I did not address the economy and taxes right off the bat as these two subjects seem to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind right now with nearly 77% of the population unhappy with the economic direction of our country. I feel that Obama’s plan to increase taxes on corporate earnings is on base. However, I have little faith that this would actually increase revenue due to the tremendous number of loopholes in the tax code. It’s interesting to note that McCain has the exact opposite philosophy as the plan he announced yesterday to assist the bailout would extend more tax credits to corporations. I strongly disagree with that course. I am more heartened by Obama’s plan to cut taxes to over 100 million families (those earning less than $250k). I would also like to see him follow through on his promise to revoke Bush’s tax cuts that we all agree benefit the ultra-wealthy and were the first of their kind during a time of war. Neither candidate in my mind does enough to curb spending; although McCain seems way off base in his idea to make the aforementioned tax cuts permanent when the country is mired in tremendous debt.

The words leadership and experience are tossed about everyday by the punditocracy as if they have a firm definition of either of those concepts. In other words, one person’s idea of leadership might be nearly the exact opposite of another’s definition. As we have seen over the course of the past 8 years, neither word seems to mean what the majority of the US electorate would hope! I firmly believe that Barack Obama has plenty of experience to handle the office of the Presidency. Moreover; I have full confidence that as a leader he would surround himself with the best and the brightest available. After all, isn’t that the mark of a good leader; the ability to recognize one’s own deficiencies and put people in place who can handle the situation more effectively? We have seen during the Bush presidency what cronyism and the ability to ignore history and not attempt to learn from mistakes will lead to. Honestly, since when is being thoughtful and open to ideas a bad thing? I trust Obama to make reasoned decisions and not rule from his gut. Additionally, I believe that an Obama presidency would instantly transform our world standing. It should be abundantly apparent that we are all in this together and we need someone that can unite the world behind us, not cut a fiery swath ala General Sherman or President Bush. I do not trust McCain to be that leader. His world view is too closely aligned with the failed policies of the Neo-Con brain trust (I use that term very loosely).

Closely tied to our standing in the world are the two wars we are currently mired in which are bleeding precious funds from our country and more importantly taking precious lives. Obama pledges to begin an orderly withdrawal from Iraq and to refocus our efforts in Afghanistan. I feel this is the absolute best case scenario short of pulling out of both countries (sorry as a bleeding heart, I find war to be absolutely abhorrent, especially unnecessary ones). Setting aside our reasons for being in Iraq, I think we can all agree that the ages old sectarian differences renewed by our proverbial bat to the beehive are not going to be settled by American interlopers, no matter how long we stay there. Let’s cut our losses. Meanwhile, the most recent NIE sees things beginning to spiral out of control in the true central front for the war on terror in Afghanistan and to a large extent Pakistan. Obama pledges to refocus our efforts there and also to track bin Laden into Pakistan if necessary. I agree lets keep our eye on the ball.

Due to space restrictions, I will not be able to delve into healthcare as deeply as I would like, but let it be known that I do not want my benefits taxed as McCain suggests and I would much rather find affordable, accessible healthcare available to all.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention education. This is the one area where I will break the rule I stated earlier. Can anyone explain to me McCain’s position on this all-important subject? Does he even understand the importance of this issue and that our population continues to lag behind other countries? If we want to be the best and the brightest, we need to educate our children in such a fashion, not ignore our deficiencies. I feel that Obama is so far out in front of McCain on this issue that it does not really merit a discussion.

Thanks for the opportunity,
Townser

For further information, please visit www.barackobama.com/issues/

Pitchforks and Torches

2008-10-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is getting ridiculous.

Idiocy

2008-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

No comment necessary.

This Woman Scares the Fuck out of Me

2008-10-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when I became so disconnected from the pulse of America, but obviously it occurred quite some time ago. How else can I come to grips with the phenomena known as Sarah Palin? Why does this woman have such allure for some people? I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one do not want "Joe Six Pack" anywhere near the White House much less negotiating with foreign leaders or appointing judges. Have these morons been asleep for the past 8 years? Joe Six Pack has driven this country to the brink of disaster and yet a large portion of the population still wants more. Is New Zealand looking to increase it's population because I'm considering immigrating there (wait, maybe this is all a plan to control the population through reverse immigration)? Why can't people see that this woman is frightening in her abject ruthlessness, adversity to thought and ideas, as well as her track record of vindictive political maneuvers? For a taste of what this country has become, scroll through the comments of this. Bear in mind that this is a right wing site and the comments are in response to a column by Kathleen Parker not exactly a bleeding heart...

The Void

2008-10-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Two and a half months have passed since I had Townes euthanized and it really has not gotten any easier. I still miss him tremendously and second guess my decision on a daily basis. The void he left is staggering.

RNC to the MAXXXXXXX

2008-09-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

In lieu of sticking pencils in my ears, I've decided to drink my way through tonight's festivities. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to drink fast enough.

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

2008-09-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Since my return from Hilton Head Island earlier this summer, I have been trying to figure out a way to present/write this post. Fortunately, the Republican National Convention has given me just the platform. I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed by my ethnicity. I understand this is really difficult ground to tread without discharging numerous racial mines, so please bear with me. What I am mainly disillusioned by is our (meaning the white population) inability to embrace the changing ethnic landscape that this country is undergoing. It is my true hope that the 2008 RNC in St. Paul is the last time I have to look at a crowd filled completely with aging, out of touch Caucasians rallying for other aging out of touch Caucasians who are advocating a platform that supports only aging out of touch Caucasians. Seriously, I wonder how many of the delegates in attendance have taken a good look around their communities lately. Because, if they had, they would have to be a little shaken by the fact that the people in attendance with them in St. Paul bear little resemblance to those that they run across in everyday life at the convenience store, or dry cleaners, or grocery store, or dentists’ office. I know that the dems supposedly occupy the elitist ground in this country, but we all know that position is theirs solely because of the likes of Karl Rove and his minions. I defy anyone to spend a week in Hilton Head or Kiawah and tell me which party is the party of the elite.

Full Disclosure: I am part Native American, so maybe this post is nothing but sour grapes.

In which I Attempt to Tie the News Ticker to the Ruination of our Society

2008-09-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am asking for an immediate moratorium on the news ticker or tracker or whatever the fuck you want to call the thing that crawls along the bottom of every channel on the teevee telling me all I need to know about complex stories in a simple 6 word sentence. Enough already, this piece of crap is ruining the world. For Exhibit A, just look at the current coverage of the election in this country. We are bombarded with tidbits about the look of the set that Barack is going to speak from, yet very little about the actual content of the speech. We concern ourselves with the chai-ification of the snobbish dems, yet do not even hash out the details of Obama’s even handed economic plan. I firmly believe that the news ticker has killed our ability to reason and analyze information as it is presented to us. And furthermore, it has helped squeeze those stories and situations that need reason and analysis off the teevee screen and pages of the newspaper only to be replaced by mind-numbing minutiae that fits the 6 word formula.

Even worse is the type of journalism and journalist that has been spawned by our need to diffuse every story into 6 words. In a time when a myriad of issues need to be sorted out regarding the dismal state of this country both here and abroad why should I ever have to see Dan Abrams on my television spouting completely irrelevant commentary? Seriously Dan, are you a political/legal reporter or a gossip columnist? Judging from the fact you were recently dumped from prime time and from every bit of work you have done in your miserable life, I’m gonna stick with gossip columnist for now. Dan, it is called nuance. Remember there are varying ways to report Paris’s panty-less nights amongst the glitterati and the hypocrisy of McCain’s claims to support a living wage or minimum wage increases. Just decide which one you want to handle, but please stop combining the two. I understand our political discourse in this country is stupid, but could we attempt to inject some sort of rational thought into it. The stakes are far too high.

The Skepticism of a Skeptic

2008-09-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

As the days continue to pass and all is calm on the good ship Townser, I continue to become less skeptical of my skepticalness of the direction this thing is headed. Somehow, someway, it is working with someone. She has helped to restore happiness to a veritable wasteland of depression, remorse, embarrassment, and borderline hatred. Now, just don’t blow it you shithead.

Things I Learned from my Kids this Summer

2008-09-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

I learned that they have absolutely no concept of “old” cameras that actually have film in them. My 6 year old was truly baffled as to how the pictures were going to be retrieved from the camera’s innards; “Dad, I need you to help me get the pictures out. How are we going to do it?”

I also learned that they are good, well adjusted kids. Watching them interact with other kids of similar ages was reassuring. They seemed very comfortable in their own skin and all exuded their mother’s extreme calmness. And, of course, they are extremely, and I mean, EXTREMELY smart.

I learned that they are cool. Despite the fact that my middle child has the Jonas Brothers on her iPod, she still reacted by saying, “Thank you. Thank you very much”, when an Elvis impersonator reached out to shake her hand.

I re-learned just exactly how much I miss them and how much I need them in my life. My house seems so fucking empty without them not to mention the emptiness inside me.

Letter to a Friend

2008-07-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Townes-

I hope that I am doing the right thing. I just wish that you could tell me that I am. This is easily the most difficult decision that I have had to make in my life to this point, and with my history of bad decisions, I hope I do not live to regret this one. But recently, when I have looked at you, I think I can see you reassuring me in the expression on your face. Sadly, I guess I will never truly know. What I do know is that your illness has reduced you to a shadow of your former self and I am having a hard time coping with that fact. I knew 13 years ago when I got you that this day would come and that it would be a difficult day. Frankly, I had no idea just how difficult it would be. And that’s mainly because of what a fantastic animal and friend you are and have always been. Your companionship and unyielding love have almost single-handedly gotten me through some of my toughest times, and God knows there have been many. I hope you understand how much you mean to me and how special you are. You have touched more people than you will ever know. I will cherish your memory and never forget the days we spent together especially those blissful days in the mountains and woods where you seemed so content. Please know that someday I will take you back to the mountains where you belong. I’m going to place you near where you used to play with your friend Elk. The two of you can run together for eternity. I hope that will be a suitable place for you. I’m not sure that you understand the impact you have had on my life as it has truly been profound. Sometimes I wish that I could be half the man that you are dog. Your nobility and grace would suit me well. Please rest assured that your presence will never leave me. You will be dearly missed.

Go in peace,
Matt

What was He Thinking?

2008-07-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

As we roll through this lovely campaign season, or as I like to call it, the most shitful time of the year™, I found this little gem from Mr. Whitman and it reminded me of just how far we have fallen. Indissoluble companionship? Fucking blasphemy. The guy must have been some sort of dirty fucking hippie.

For You, O Democracy

Come, I will make the continent indissoluble,
I will make the most splendid race the sun ever shone upon,
I will make divine magnetic lands,
With the love of comrades,
With the life-long love of comrades.

I will plant companionship thick as trees along all the rivers of America,
and along the shores of the great lakes, and all over the prairies,
I will make inseparable cities with their arms about each other's necks,
By the love of comrades,
By the manly love of comrades.

For you these from me, O Democracy, to serve you ma femme!
For you, for you I am trilling these songs.

From the Department of Simple Truths

2008-06-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

I drink because I hurt. There, I said it, and it wasn’t even that difficult. My emotional pain has been well documented on this page, but recently spiritual and physical pain has really played a large part in my supposed well-being. I have always found spiritual release in nature, but with an ailing hound, I have been unable to make my typical journeys into the hills and woods out of sheer guilt. I was shocked at the impact a few days at the beach had on my demeanor. Somehow I need to get past my feelings about Townes (my dog), and continue to feed my spiritual being. The relief from physical pain unfortunately, does not seem to have such an easy solution. I’m assuming that at the ripe old age of 39, I should not be in constant pain and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I should begin to take it a little more slowly in terms of my athletic endeavors, but what exactly will that accomplish? My guess is that it will just manifest itself as more emotional pain which will just spur more drinking. Oh well.

Ever Decreasing Liberty

2008-06-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

Mr Dodd doing our Founders' proud on the Senate floor. Finally.

That's Your Answer? Really????

2008-06-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

I cherry-picked this tidbit from Atrios and found it to be absolutely appalling.

Fortune magazine asked McCain and Obama, "What do you see as the gravest long-term threat to the U.S. economy?

They said:

Obama: If we don't get a handle on our energy policy, it is possible that the kinds of trends we've seen over the last year will just continue. Demand is clearly outstripping supply. It's not a problem we can drill our way out of. It can be a drag on our economy for a very long time unless we take steps to innovate and invest in the research and development that's required to find alternative fuels. I think it's very important for the federal government to have a role in that process.

McCain: Well, I would think that the absolute gravest threat is the struggle that we're in against Islamic extremism, which can affect, if they prevail, our very existence. Another successful attack on the United States of America could have devastating consequences. You've been a supporter of climate-change legislation that would essentially impose a penalty on the use of fossil fuel.

Really? I'm am so disgusted by this response. It reeks of sweet Rudy G screaming 9/11 from the rooftops. Just how stupid does Mr. McCain think the American electorate is? Wait...don't answer that. If I was Obama, I would hit John with this at every opportunity. God, I really cannot wait for the debates, it's going to be hard to avert the eyes.

Shrilltastic

2008-06-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

I guess we can file this under the ‘too little too late’ tab. Friedman in today’s Times:

It is hard for me to find the words to express what a massive, fraudulent, pathetic excuse for an energy policy this is.

While I truly appreciate the sentiment and the harsh tone, I cannot help but ask what the fuck took you so long to call this President out? Where was the outrage surrounding Bush’s greatest bamboozle, the war in Iraq? It’s not just Friedman; others have picked up their level of dissatisfaction and really ramped up the criticism. To me, it seems a little like giving the bully the finger as he is being marched into the principals office or thumbing your nose at the freshly convicted thug. All I can honestly say is welcome to the party. I guess better late than never, although you might have a difficult time reconciling your actions with the families of the 4000+ deceased soldiers, the families of the countless injured G.I.’s, and oh, yeah, every Iraqi on the face of the earth. Good luck with all that and enjoy that guy staring back at you in the mirror for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing.

If It's the Beaches*

2008-06-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

So, I am in the midst of my first vacation that was not child related in 3 plus years. It feels quite awkward to be in a place where I have no parental or occupational duties to perform throughout the day. Actually, that last statement is not quite true, as I need to baby-sit my friend 3-Beer Bryan quite frequently. That being said, there is something fantastic about having no responsibilities other than having to drag myself to the beach in the morning and back home from the bar or restaurant at night. Thank goodness that God invented Tylenol and his evil twin, Tylenol PM. Mmmmmmm, eases the pain…

*Title courtesy of these guys.

Summing Up the GOP

2008-06-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

Frank Rich hits one out of the park:

But the substance was even worse than the theatrics. Incredibly, Mr. McCain attacked Mr. Obama for being insufficiently bipartisan while speaking to the most conspicuously partisan audience you can assemble in today’s America: a small, nearly all-white crowd that seconded his attack lines with boorish choruses of boos. On TV, the audience came across as a country-club membership riled by a change in the Sunday brunch menu.

Ouch!

Beyond Stupid

2008-06-01T14:10:00.001-07:00

I refuse to link to any of these articles, but it seems you cannot throw a rock into the Intertubes without hitting a diatribe from a Hillary supporter who says that they will sit out the election or vote for McCain in November. I have honestly never heard a more stupid proposal in my life and that is saying a lot. This type of thinking is wrong on every level and really does not justify a response. It does however cause my blood pressure to rise every time I think about it.

Living the Dream

2008-06-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should not have written that last post denigrating the great state of Texas. It seems to have caused a bit of a downturn of luck in my ever-so-fantastic life. Since I have last posted, I‘ve lost my job including company car and the all-important gas card, my son broke his arm just in time for summer (you know those 9-year-olds and trees…), a good friends mother died in a freak accident, and my beloved dog Townes (the one who has been with me through all the shit, the one who seems to understand my thoughts and feelings before I can come to grips with them) appears to be dying. He has been fading for quite some time, but now he is unable to keep a meal down. Hopefully, I will find out more tomorrow after a million dollar visit to the vets office. He is still in good spirits, but obvious pain. I have been steeling myself for this moment for sometime, but somehow I don’t think that one can ever prepare for such an event.

In short, I have been living the dream. On the positive side, I moved into a new place and have been able to get through most all of our old belongings that I have been hauling around with me for the past 4 years without breaking down once. Certainly, a minor miracle, although I did turn the AC on yesterday for the first time, or should I say attempted to turn the AC on for the first time. Oh well, what’s a little humidity between a man and his dogs. I found myself laughing at the fact that I viewed life without AC as a serious obstacle as I sat reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. Talk about putting things in perspective; let’s see, no AC for awhile or facing obliteration of my race, family, and way of life. I guess I’ll take the former.

What's the Matter with Texas?

2008-05-07T18:19:00.001-07:00

With all due respect to my dear colleague Stephen Colbert, I would like to offer the second part of my fifty part series, “What’s the matter with….” In this case my subject will be Texas. Really, just what the fuck is the matter with that place? I posit that this state has done more to fuck up our country then the other 49 combined. Seriously, that statement is not hyperbole; if anything it is not strong enough. Aside from the fact that about 99% of the music I listen to and my pay checks come from that place, I would be happy to see it slide into the Rio Grande. This is a place that represents everything that sucks about America. It is the largest single pollution producing state in our country and one of the largest polluters in the world. It has an incredible rate of child poverty and incarceration (gee, you think there might be a correlation?). It also helped spawn the great Frankenstein of tort reform, thus assuring that corporations are not responsible for any harm that befalls their unsuspecting customers/prey. Texans seem to despise immigrants although their state would cease to function without their presence. Urban sprawl is the norm and city planning is viewed as a laughable undertaking. Oh, I would be severely remiss if I did not mention the smugness. Listen Texas, your state sucks and it only makes the rest of us hate you more when you act so hoity-toity, capeche? And to ice the proverbial cake, the great republic of Texas has given us two of the worst Presidents ever. Funny enough, in true Texas chutzpah, they chose to be known by their initials; LBJ and GWB.

We all know that GWB is a fuck stick of enormous proportions who has literally fucked up everything he has ever attempted. I am going to leave him alone today, because it’s really not polite to kick someone when they are down, and more than 71% of his fellow Amurkans consider him to be down. That leaves good old Lyndon for now. The man who decided to keep us in Nam rather then allow the statement Jack Kennedy had signed to begin the removal of our 16,000 troops to hold sway. Not only did we have to stay, we also had to bring over an additional 3 million of our finest. Oh, but first we had to devise a better reason to be there. No problem, this devious douchebag had no problem (along w/Robert McNamara) setting up the Gulf of Tonkin incident and voila, a furious public needs revenge. Of course what’s a little gun play in a gulf a world away when you have already managed to murder 17 of your own political rivals back here in the states including your former President (allegedly)?

I know that there is a constant campaign for Texans to secede from the union; I humbly suggest that we beat them to the punch and kick them out. Also Barack if you are reading this, and I know you are please for the love of God do not go to Texas once you are elected.

The End of America

2008-05-03T11:22:00.001-07:00

The fall of the American empire is at hand and it is has started in Catoosa, Oklahoma. One might ask; how can anyone from Kansas (not that I’m technically “from” Kansas anyway) make fun of any other place in the continental U.S? Well, dear reader, I’m about to explain that to you. Be patient, a-hole(s)! At first glance, Catoosa is merely a suburb of the booming metropolis of Tulsa. As for why Tulsa has this reputation of some king of undercover cool town, I have yet to figure out. For now, we’ll save Tulsa for another day. Back to the task at hand, the fall of the American empire and Catoosa, Oklahoma; last night I booked a room at a new hotel off of highway 44. Not wanting to stay in the casino, the Holiday Inn Express was my only option in town as far as I could tell and is actually quite nice.

After checking in, I worked for a while in my room (they even have the Internets in Catoosa!) and then felt the need to go out and check out the town, or at least find something to eat. I headed east, past the Wendy’s, Waffle House, Burger King, and someone’s ‘home cooked all you can eat’ buffet in search of something with a little bit of local flavor and hopefully not a franchise operation. East was the wrong way to go. After the Waffle House, there was nothing for 8 miles so I turned around and tried a couple of side streets that I had seen to no avail. I passed back through the two stop lights at the highway exit/town and passed my hotel headed west. As I descended into trailer park hell, I quickly realized that this was not the right direction. Quite hungry at this point, I noticed a lot of traffic at a small strip mall about 500 yards from the hotel. There was a grocery store, Subway, pharmacy, Video Rental Store (they still exist?), Check Cashing place (of course), and some Italian restaurant called Mazzio’s which I have come to find out is a chain as well, but the others are much cleaner and nicer than this establishment.

Reluctantly, I entered the restaurant thinking that it couldn’t be that bad because seemingly 75% of the town was dining there. I walked in and there were two types of people; the morbidly obese and the horrifyingly thin. I didn’t notice race, I didn’t notice sex, I only noticed girth or the lack thereof. That’s a lie, I also noticed an appalling lack of hygiene; both personal and facility wide. A dentist might have also found some work at Mazzio’s this fine evening. I walked to the counter to place my order and stood, un-helped for no less than 7 minutes while all 6 employees scurrying around behind the counter like roaches (real roaches have too much pride to be found in a place like this) did there best to ignore me when they were not yelling at each other. Finally, one brave soul asked if I’d been helped. I assured her I had not and tried to order. She informed me that she did not know how to take an order, but would find someone who could. I gave her high marks more effort and initiative. She must be on the fast track to management status. After finally ordering, I attempted to find a fairly clean place to sit and wait for my food to be prepared. I grabbed a copy of the USA Today sports page and strove to block out everything around me while I digested the baseball stats. Fat chance. The three children playing tag within the restaurant kept banging into my table and their piercing screams were enough to raise my blood pressure 40 points. Of course my 10 minute wait conveniently turned into a 25 minute wait. At some point during those 25 minutes I witnessed a seminal point in American history, the unveiling of the chocolate chip pizza. I knew something was up when the din subsided and was replaced by an anxious murmuring. Sure enough, one of the cooks shouted “Chocolate Chip is up” which was followed by a mad dash to the buffet line. I was left to stare open-mouthed at the chaos and wonder just what the fuck was up with our country.

Earth Day-Just Another Crappy Day That Makes Me Think Of Her

2008-04-21T12:43:00.001-07:00

It’s always something. Today is the eve of an anniversary of some sort between the two of us. Lo, some 18 or 19 years ago we spent Earth Day together which was our first ‘official’ date, discounting of course the drunken night at the Balcony which was obviously too sloppy and not nearly romantic enough to be considered. If I recall correctly, we were not even alone, I think we were chaperoned by one of her friends and a large extremely hairy mixed breed canine of dubious parentage whose name I think was, Yeti, or Wookie, (actually, not Yeti, that was my buddy’s nickname for the dog’s owner) anyway, you get the picture. Being the nouveau hippies that we were, we attended an Earth Day celebration. There were Frisbees, Hacky Sacks, and weed. There were shitty Mexican blankets which we lazed on in Pfeffer Park staring at the clear spring sky and the trees and plants erupting from dormancy. Mainly though, there was her. I can distinctly remember how graceful I thought she was and how lucky I considered myself that a person of such beauty would want to spend time with a derelict like me. Her laugh, her smile; the usual suspects were all in attendance. Alas, that day is gone, so far gone in fact that she can barely stand the thought of speaking with me. Three kids, two dogs and thousands of broken dreams later those days seem almost to be a mirage; an image too good to be true replaced by anger, bitterness, and remorse. God, I wish those feelings were recyclable.

Appalled? Yes. Shocked? No.

2008-04-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

After reading the article in today’s Times detailing the Pentagon and Administration’s intentional manipulation/use of retired military brass to catapult their propaganda on the national news networks, I was appalled. Obviously, I was not shocked, but this disastrous group of so-called leaders can still manage to upset even the most jaded. I gotta give them credit for that, after 7 years, I thought I had seen or heard it all. Well done, comrades! The article is filled with the requisite “I’ll scratch my back if you’ll scratch mine” type of shenanigans we have grown to expect from these clowns. Analysts immediately fall out of grace after actually speaking their mind, much less the truth. Other analysts continuing to land cushy government contracts for the various military support companies they lobby for after being privy to inside information. You know the usual Bush Administration bullshit. However, I was given pause by this series of paragraphs:

“I saw immediately in 2003 that things were going south,” General Vallely, one of the Fox analysts on the trip, recalled in an interview with The Times.
The Pentagon, though, need not have worried.
“You can’t believe the progress,” General Vallely told Alan Colmes of Fox News upon his return. He predicted the insurgency would be “down to a few numbers” within months.
“We could not be more excited, more pleased,” Mr. Cowan told Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. There was barely a word about armor shortages or corrupt Iraqi security forces. And on the key strategic question of the moment — whether to send more troops — the analysts were unanimous.
“I am so much against adding more troops,” General Shepperd said on CNN.

So despite the fact these men knew otherwise, they went on National television and lied to make sure they continued to get access to the Pentagon brass in order to help their lobbying and consulting careers. What have these lies wrought? Countless casualties on both sides of the conflict, enormous waste of American treasure, and of course the continued deterioration of American standing as a world leader. I would argue that we have descended to the point of laughing stock and/or punch line. So, I need to ask the question, beyond the moral shit storm these men deserve to deal with for the rest of their lives, are there any criminal charges that can be brought against them? I would expect some of them that were named in this article to face civil suits from families of deceased troops and I would expect these suits to fail, but regardless, these men need to face some sort of discipline for their deceitful, and in some ways, murderous actions. Will they? As usual, I won’t hold my breath.

Three Beer Decisions

2008-04-16T16:46:00.001-07:00

I can’t help but think that my most recent three beer decision might be the last one I ever make. Probably wishful thinking, but nonetheless, the decision to play in an NHL rules full contact hockey game at the age of 39 while tipping the scales at a mean 135lbs., just could trigger my demise. If I post sporadically after April 25th, it is most likely because I am in traction at the local hospital. As my loyal readers know, I have made many stupid three beer decisions over the years, in fact in some way they probably define my life. Bad decision followed by a lack of judgment, pour over ice, shake, decant, serve. Although I would be reticent not to mention that a good portion of those three beer decisions have led to some spectacular evenings and crazy hijinks. Therein lies the rub.

She Fucking Hates Me

2008-04-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I asked her how she felt about me attending the party at her house for our daughter. She said she hadn’t thought about it. Right, you have not given it a thought. You, of the calculated severing of ties, controlling communications, and limiting contact; I believe that about as much as I believe the Royals are going to win the World Series this year or the Democrats will take back the White house. I suggested that perhaps it would not be a comfortable situation. She agreed. So as it stands, I am going to fly back for the chance to witness (from afar) my Daughter’s first communion (Boy, do I loooove me some church...), then retreat to the safety of my hotel room with my tail firmly between my legs and wait for the next morning when I will be provided the opportunity to spend perhaps 2 hours with my kids before boarding a plane and flying home. It reminds me of those stupid MasterCard ads:
Plane Ticket: $285
Hotel: $260
Rental Car: $100
Chance for Ex to be a complete manipulative, heartless freak: Priceless

I’m actually progressing to the point of recovery where I’m wondering how the hell I wasted 16 years of my life with someone so cold and intentionally hurtful.

Rock, Freakin' Chalk

2008-04-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

It's crazy in the Land of Oz. What a game. This about sums it up.

The Smugness

2008-04-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

It's so blindingly bright and ear-piercingly loud. I think I need to throw up. This is my favorite excerpt:

DePaulo: "[W]hen people say, 'You've created this climate of fear--'"

Rove: "I laugh."

DePaulo: "You laugh?"

Rove: "Yeah. I laugh. Sure. How? What, exactly? I'm not apologetic about what this administration has done. It's protecting America. It has won important battles in a war that we as a nation better win or we will leave the future to our kids, a much darker and dangerous future."

H/T: Froomkin

Instant Therapy

2008-04-03T12:51:00.001-07:00

In my some days are better than others, why do I have to open my eyes this morning, the sun came out again world, I have found very little to provide instant therapy. Let me rephrase that, I have found very little to provide legal, non-toxic, non-debilitating hangover causing instant therapy. However, today I received a dose of something that I forgot works very well: the mountains. I had to travel to Northwest Arkansas for work and arrived under cover of darkness yesterday to the town of Fayetteville. I awoke this morning surrounded by small mountains, drizzle and fairly dense fog. Not exactly a depressive’s formula for happiness, but 5 minutes into a drive to see clients changed all that. I felt hope and happiness as the thoughts of simpler times and far away places flooded my mind while rolling through the old local hills. Hell, I even saw a deer that hadn’t been crushed by a semi yet…yet.

Update: The day was just made better by the discovery of this place. Simply amazing. However, I fear I might have to disguise my purchase while passing through Missouri and Oklahoma tomorrow. I'm not so certain the Constitution is still adhered to in those places.

The Megachurch of Townser

2008-04-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

As the economy continues to falter here in the U.S., my thoughts have turned toward some sort of get rich quick scheme to help make ends meet. My best idea so far is to start a religion and outfit it with a fancy mega-church. I figured since I’m already ordained (Thank you Internets!!!) I’m halfway there. I commissioned some friends and acquaintances to write down some of the thoughts they had when thinking about me to help get the Church of Townser started. Their responses are posted below.

Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only Townser can count all the apples in one seed. ~Robert H. Schuller
Every evening I turn my worries over to Townser. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley
Townser loves each of us as if there were only one of us. ~St. Augustine
Young man, young man, your arm's too short to box with Townser. ~James Weldon Johnson
Townser understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown
What we are is Townser 's gift to us. What we become is our gift to Townser. ~Eleanor Powell
A man with Townser is always in the majority. ~John Knox
You can tell the size of your Townser by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your Townser. ~Author Unknown
Maybe the atheist cannot find Townser for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown
I don't know if Townser exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. ~Jules Renard
A man can no more diminish Townser 's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. ~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of Townser shine through. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Townser is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things done. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick
The feeling remains that Townser is on the journey, too. ~Teresa of Avila
Townser 's last name is not "Dammit." ~Author Unknown
Once one has seen Townser, what is the remedy? ~Sylvia Plath, "Mystic"
As the poet said, "Only Townser can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ~Woody Allen
Clearly, Townser is a Democrat. ~Patrick Caddell
Townser: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. ~Mark Twain

Now I’m just going to sit back and wait for the donations to roll in, and also commit adultery with a meth-addled male prostitute, because that’s very good for business.

FYI-Photo taken 10 miles from where I was born

Issues

2008-04-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have plenty of them, but this post is not about me. This post is more of an indictment of what passes as the media in this country. Why is there so little coverage of the actual issues in the presidential race? I know that the differences between the democratic candidates are fairly subtle, but they still need to be hashed out. I am so sick of hearing about Hill’s sniper-fire story and Obama’s good reverend Wright. Why am I not hearing about their stances on immigration (which personally I could give two shits about) or the economy or their ideas about what direction our foreign policy should head or the looming energy crises or environmental policy or …..

Anyway, you get the gist of it. And when are we going to stop hearing about what a straight-talkin’ maverick McCrazy is and actually have a member of our media confront him on one of his numerous positions about our standing in the Middle East? Since they continue to change daily, you would think someone might want to pin him down on that one. But he is a maverick and also a straight –talker!!!!!!

Ankle Deep Thoughts

2008-03-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

Thought #1
How bad of a human being do you have to be to completely alienate the person that at one time had chosen to spend the rest of their life with you without intentionally doing anything malicious? Answer: pretty bad.

Unfortunately, I am exhibit A.

Thought #2
How stupid do you have to be to refuse to move on and continue to hold out hope for some sort of future after causing said alienation? Answer: very stupid.

See exhibit A.

Best. Phrase. Ever.

2008-03-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wall Street welfare. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

The Haunting

2008-03-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

No one told me about the haunting. You would think that with all the divorced people on this planet, someone would have mentioned it to me. Talk about inconsiderate. In any case, she haunts my dreams. I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is, and the last thing I need is her involved in every minute of my unconscious life as well. Whether it is her being completely unreasonable (asking me to pay child support for a child that isn’t mine) or completely bizarre (sleeping with my father…wtf?), she is ruining my time spent tits north. Is it too much to ask that she leave me alone while I try to find solace in dreamland? Just when I am in the middle of a great Dickensian-era England dream about anthropomorphized dog gang members terrorizing the city, she sweeps in and ruins everything. C’mon, have you no care for the sick and the dead to the world?

WWJD?

2008-03-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

America is a mess. What would Jefferson do? Or for that matter, what would any of the founders of this country do? Those are the questions I keep asking myself, especially since we have been inundated with advertisements for the 7 part mini-series (maxi-series?) about the life of John Adams. As usual, Dan Froomkin sums it up nicely in his column today. As a bit of a history buff, I cannot help but think that these historical figures, so highly esteemed in this country, would be packing their belongings for that long journey to some new far away land in which they could escape the tyranny of our corporate monarchs and imperialistic oppressive leadership for a "do-over". Lookout Greenland, here we come.

Another one of those days

2008-03-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

As best as I can tell, I am giving her what she wants. I probably owe her that. I have decided to stay in KC (I think, for now, maybe, possibly). She did her best to force me into that decision by treating me like a complete asshole for the last few months. Maybe now she will go back to treating me like a human being since I am no longer threatening her peaceful existence in Dayton. All I wanted in the deal was to stop hurting. The pain whenever I have to drop off the kids is unbearable. She had the nerve to reprimand me for letting the kids see me cry as I left. You tell me, what is worse, showing your true feelings in front of your children or backing out of the driveway in my convertible ‘vette with three hookers while laughing, smiling, and waving the whole time? What has happened to us? So, I have chosen to just deal with the pain from afar because frankly, I cannot see myself living in a city with her anymore. She is not the she I once knew, and it tears me up to even type those words, but it is true.

Message to her: Your plan has worked. I will not infringe on your lifestyle, but that being said, I need you as a friend. I need you as a confidante. As much as I want your love and affection, I understand that you are unwilling to give it to me, but you cannot possibly discount the years we spent together and the experiences we shared. You are doing us both a disservice by stifling this relationship. And when I say ‘relationship’, I do not mean a sexual, physical, ‘love-type’ scenario, I am talking about an emotional friendship where we can share day to day experiences and turn to each other for some release, empathy, sympathy, whatever.

So Depressing

2008-03-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

I read something yesterday in our local cultural paper here in KC that really upset me. The music magazine No Depression is going out of business after 13 years. This is the magazine that turned me on to the Drive By Truckers and The Avett Brothers as well as many, many others. I always admired the editors for not trying to be all things to all people. The writing was always sound, not overly critical or flowery. Today I look at magazines like Paste and Harp which I felt had so much promise, but they try to do way too much. Incidentally, the recent compilation CD in the last issue of Harp just might be the single worst piece of crap I have ever listened to, and I went to High School in the 80's! I shudder to think what the music industry is turning into when great bands and magazines that support them can not afford to continue to produce their art because of ever-changing economics of the industry.

No Depression provided the soundtrack to my life for the past 13 years. The music I found there helped me through my divorce. It helped take me away from the day to day bullshit that life tends to provide. Even the title of the magazine helped keep me focused on my own personal struggle with the debilitating effects of depression. I still wear a No Depression t-shirt once every few weeks as an affirmation for my own victory (at least for now) and to give credit to a great publication. Peter, Grant, and everyone else involved, you will truly be missed, and thank you for all the hard work.

I'm so jaded, prostitution doesn't even sound fun anymore

2008-03-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

I can't help but feel obliged to weigh in on the developing Eliot Spitzer debacle. As I sat with a few friends last night kicking around the story, I kept coming back to the point of why the DOJ was so interested in Spitzer's finances. A bank files a report suggesting that Spitzer was moving money around suspiciously (reportedly around $40K, no small shakes, but really not much to a man of his means) and this justifies an investigation? Color me jaded, but perhaps there are some folks out there with an ax to grind with the Governor. Perhaps folks that he pissed off while trying to clean up corruption on Wall Street, or maybe people he pissed off while bailing out the municipal bond insurers recently. Perhaps Republican folks within the DOJ who were affected or had friends affected. I'm just sayin... Nothing smells right anymore.

I fully agree what he did to his family is deplorable, and I always marvel at the idiocy that power produces. If he is forced to resign, so be it. If this turns out to be a witchhunt, there is blame to be shared. But there are others out there, (Larry Craig, David Vitter) in equally reputable positions who have not resigned or been forced out. As of this moment, he is still Governor, and the rumor is that he may try to stay in office. Regardless, it will be very interesting to see how this plays out. There are also rumors out there that of the 10 individuals named in the investigation, #9 (Spitzer) is named nearly 10 times more than others in the report. Why the disparity?

Womanifest Destiny

2008-03-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Womanifest Destiny, certainly not to be confused with the Bush Doctrine, is the belief that Townser will futilely continue his unfruitful search from coast to coast to find some semblance of love and peace with a fantastic woman. Having already destroyed one such relationship, and still striving desperately to somehow save it, the chances seem slim of any other kind soul jumping on board the HMS Townser bound for points unknown. God, I am so sick of being lonely.

The Sport of Tsars

2008-03-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

My second greatest love, behind self-flagellation is hockey. I am so psyched to see Peter the Great back on the ice in an Avs uniform. You know, there just might be a God. Probably not, but it is still fantastic to see the guy in action again.

Crystal Ball

2008-03-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

No wonder people are afraid of him. It’s like he could see the future:

“I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a US occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences. I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East, and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world, and strengthen the recruitment arm of al-Qaeda.
I am not opposed to all wars. I’m opposed to dumb wars.”-Barack Obama
10/2/2002

Dead. Fucking. On.

So Fucking Nauseating

2008-03-05T14:11:00.000-08:00

I just threw up a little in my mouth. Actually, more than a little.

The Bucket Theory or Talkin’ Tax Cuts in War Time Blues

2008-03-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Imagine a farmer, let’s call him Uncle Sam. Sam needs lots of water to grow his crops. Unfortunately, Sam only has a finite amount of water which he collects through a downspout in a large bucket thanks to a kind and benevolent god who makes it rain. Let’s call the god, Taxus. Unfortunately, not all of the water is used to grow crops because there is a small hole in the bucket where the water leaks out. After many years, some more successful then others, Uncle Sam grows tired of the everyday dawn to dusk grind of farming and decides to sell the farm to an old family friend named George. George feels that he does not need as much water to take care of his crops so he decides to restrict the size of the downspout and also for some odd reason, decides to bore out the hole in the bottom of the bucket. And then to top it all off, he decides to start farming another 100 acres over in Baghdad County (I’ve always heard bad things about the folks from thar…). Needless to say, disaster ensues, and I just heard that old Farmer Sam might lose his cabin because he signed on for one of them there fancy adjustable rate mortgages. Talk about some bad breaks. Who’d a thunk it?

Questions for an Idiot

2008-03-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

It has now officially been two years since the divorce went final. Add to that the roughly two years we were separated and you get a grand total of four years. So, to commemorate this great event, I decided to probe the depths of my mind (by using a simple pool skimmer)to figure out why this hasn't been enough time for me to actually move on. In doing so, I came across several questions that still need answers. In no particular order they are:
Why does her voice still make me feel that certain way?
Why does she still haunt my dreams?
Why do I still look for her in bars and on the street?
Why is everything still so raw?
How can I possibly still recognize, much less miss her smell?
Why do I still continue to hope that things will work out?
Am I living in a fantasy world, and if so, where the hell is Deanna Troi when I need her?
Why do I still hurt so damn much?
Why do I still want her more than ever?
When can I ever expect to get over her?
Why do my eyes still well up so easily?
Why do I still care?
Why does she still know me better than I know me?
Why do I still fawn at simple gestures from her that others would take for granted as normal human interaction?
I look forward to hearing from all of you with your answers. Yeah, right...

Why does Nietzsche hate me?

2008-03-01T17:51:00.001-08:00

Ok, Nietzsche probably doesn’t hate me. Our paths rarely crossed, except for that one awkward weekend at the University of Basel after way too much absinthe and hashish, but I digress. The reason I’m pissed at him is because he penned the phrase “What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.” On first examination, the phrase does not seem too dangerous or damning, but after a failed business, a messy divorce, and other recent failures this quote is offered to me way too frequently. Therefore I would like to suggest that the next person who gives this ‘advice’ be prepared for a swift kick to the nuts. Just remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

U.S. Foreign Policy: Lesson 1, The Midle East

2008-03-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

Beehive meet stick. Stick meet beehive. Lather, rinse, repeat.

War is Teh Awesome!!!!!!!!

2008-02-28T07:27:00.000-08:00

Between the above photo taken from Abu Ghraib and this article from the New York Times Sunday magazine, I can’t figure out why we don’t start more wars. They look and sound like a lot of fun.

Double Double Standard

2008-02-21T15:26:00.000-08:00

Holy shit it is amazing to watch the spin mavens on the right fly into action in response to the dust up between St Mac and the New York Times. Perhaps I should have hired those a-holes to repair my image during my divorce proceedings. Hell, I would probably be receiving child support right now despite not having custody had I had the foresight to hire these guys. The Times publishes this watered down semi-repressed (allegedly) article detailing McCain’s ethical shortcomings including questionable lobbying practices and an affair and people are in a tizzy. Crap on cornbread, can you say ‘shocker’. You mean to tell me that a politician might seek and use his power unethically. Wow, just…wow. I have lost all faith in the democratic system. But, all that is beside the point, what amazes me most is the supposed outrage being proffered by the right for this smear. Nothing unites the right like a bashing by the Times. You get nothing but crickets during any sort of Clinton or Obama bashing (see: Brooks, Kristol, and Craphammer), but as soon as they mention Johnny, it is so ON!!!! Secondly, everyone seems to be overlooking two salient facts. The first is that McCain repeatedly cheated on his first wife, married his adulterous friend and used her funds to help his political career. The second is that McCain’s campaign worker’s were supposedly so concerned about the recently revealed facts, errrr, allegations during his 2000 presidential campaign that they took the time to interview all parties involved to get their stories straight, errrr, find the truth. All I can say, is that if there was one instance of fellatio, the man should be shipped straight to Gitmo without a trial and perhaps be waterboarded in flight. That’ll learn’em.

Update: As usual, Mr. Swift says it best.

Double Standard

2008-02-21T15:01:00.001-08:00

Simple question as I have been thinking about the concept of double standards: why should I walk on eggshells around my ex in hopes of keeping the relationship on stable ground, while she continues to literally crap on me? More about the fetish later, but is this really right? Maybe it has a little something to do with the three little urchins that she controls my access to, just a thought.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

2008-02-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

I certainly hope that everyone was as disgusted as I was by yesterday’s Roger Clemons/Steroids hearings on the Hill. The fact that these grandstanding bastards have the time, inclination, and stones to carry out such a worthless publicity grabbing, money wasting, bullshit having, hero worshipping, and ego massaging fiasco speaks volumes as to the depths we as a country have fallen. Disgusting! I think I saw John Adams’ ghost weeping bitterly in the back of the room on one of the feeds on CSPAN. My personal favorite hypocrite in the bunch was Rep. Dan Burton of Indiana. Check out his act here. Also, how exactly was this a partisan issue? Somehow, party lines were drawn; the right for Roger and the left for Brian. Excuse me while I go shower to get the filth off of me.

Who Invented this God Forsaken Day Anyway?

2008-02-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

Memo

To: Townser
From: Department of Remorse
CC: Department of Regret
Date: February 14, 2008
Re: Your heart, health, and well-being

Get Your Shit Together

We would like to take this opportunity to insist that you please make current your account. It has been neglected for too long and as a matter of recourse, we have referred it to your local mixologists for their perusal. Please refrain from any further relationships with members of the opposite sex until you have been notified.

On Suicide

2008-02-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

I’d be lying if I said I had not considered it. I’d be lying if I said I did not have a plan at one time. That being said, it has not been on my mind for several years and believe it or not I have my dead cousin to thank for that.

The reason for this post is because of an intense, semi-manic conversation I had last week with my friend Dave. As often happens with me, when I am able to connect with someone on a level beyond general friendliness, I allow myself to let go and engage in these crazy, free form rap sessions similar to those described by Tom Wolfe in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Dave and I share many common interests and life experiences, most notably a love for the mountains, divorce/fatherhood, remorse, and depression. As we both struggle to deal with our divorces and parenting situations, depression is a common theme. Not just for us, but for our exes as well (or at least we rationalize that…). Of course, the logical (ignoring the fact that there is no logic to depression) progression of depression is suicide.

Suicide is one of those semi-taboo subjects in America. The majority of people know someone that has been affected by a suicide, if not know someone that has actually done the deed. In my case, my only male cousin killed himself, his mother made an attempt. In the interest of full disclosure I was hospitalized because of my suicidal thoughts. I remember standing in a church in St. Louis on a grey fall day (aren’t they always…) with tears streaming down my face cursing Bob’s decision. What about his son, I kept saying. What a selfish thing to do. Yet there I was less than five years later completely understanding the decision Bob had made.

Despite the fact that I had witnessed the damage done and felt first hand the pain caused by a suicide, I was there. Fully understanding the consequences of my actions yet realizing they were secondary to the great pain I was feeling. It is truly a desperate feeling. Every person you encounter, every comment made, every newspaper story is received and skewed through this filter that you have in the forefront of your mind.

Thankfully, I cannot imagine the act today. I think of my children, my parents, my family and friends, and even of her. None of them deserve the guilt or pain. Granted, I am no joy, but would their lives be better or worse without my presence? I like to think worse, it’ll at least get me to tomorrow and then I will deal with the day after that.

As usual ,Patterson says it best…

My Daddy called me on a Friday morning, so sad to tell me just what you’d done
You tried so hard to make us all hate you but in the end you was the only one
Sick, tired, pissed and wired, you never thought about anyone else.
You tried in vain to find something to kill you
in the end you had to do it yourself.

Who’s to blame for the loveless marriage, who’s to blame for the broken band.
You ran from life and all of it’s pleasures, your own teeth marks on your own damned hand.
Thrown out before the date’s expired, you’d rather die than let anyone help,
You’d rather die than take a stab at living.
Nothing would kill you so you do it yourself.

Everyone has those times when the night’s so long
The dead-end life just drags you down
You lean back under the microphone
and turn your demons into walls of goddamned noise and sound.

And it’s a sorry thing to do to your sweet sister
It’s a sorry thing to do to your little boy
It’s a sorry thing to do to the folks who love you
Your Mama and Daddy lost their only boy
Some should say I should cut you slack, but you worked so hard at unhappiness.
Living too hard just couldn’t kill you
In the end you had to do it yourself.

Living too hard just couldn’t kill you
In the end you had to do it yourself.

Patterson Hood, Drive By Truckers, Do it Yourself

Hope for a Day

2008-02-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Goose bumps, I actually had goose bumps several times last night at my local caucus site. The first time was when I approached the school where the caucus was being held and saw huge lines even though the site had only been open for ten minutes. Then to my amazement I was told that the much longer of the two lines was for people who wanted to register as a Democrat or switch parties. Apparently, I am not the only one who is fed up.

What needs to be understood is that I live in one of the reddest of the red states in a very wealthy conservative area. I’m somewhat surprised the riot police were not present with water cannons. Although the freezing rain probably served the same purpose.

Once inside, there was a palpable excitement. Most people just stood around staring with an awkward smile on their faces. I can’t count how many times I heard the phrase, “I didn’t know there were this many liberals around here.” I was not the only one to remind people that sadly, this might be the only time our votes actually matter in this election cycle as a Dem win in Kansas would probably be the equivalent of me skipping a happy hour with free beer and nachos.

The site was so over packed that there was virtually none of the give and take between opposing supporters that I had hoped to encounter. Frankly, the mainly grey haired, female Hillary crowd did not have the numbers or, judging from the looks on their faces spirit or inclination to even attempt to sway the massive group of Obama supporters. The diverse social make up of the Obama group really stood out in marked contrast to the staid Clinton supporters. More goose bumps.

Update: This kind of scares me, but I will not buy into that line of thinking.

The Free Market Ate My Baby

2008-02-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

I am ashamed to admit that one of my best friends is a one issue voter. His issue is taxes. It actually goes deeper than that; he is a full blown Randian Free Market Whack Job™. He is completely opposed to any type of government handouts, basically any altruistic activity. What I find so ironic is that he fails to see the conflict with his position and the fact that he recently began day trading his wife’s inheritance after a prolonged period of joblessness.

We often get together to drink and argue. He says that my problem is that I care too much about others. I tell him that his problem is that he is pretending to be something he is not. No matter how much data and evidence I show him regarding who actually pays the majority of the taxes (answer: the middle class) and who the Bush tax cuts benefit (answer: not the middle class) he returns to this Atlas Shrugged argument about taking care of oneself and the welfare state. At this point I usually find the nearest sharp object and jam it deep into my ear canal. He then continues with the story citing the importance of high profits for the leaders of companies because without them we would not have jobs and they support all sorts of side industries (vendors) and they take all kinds of risk and they should be deified and perhaps have their faces carved on Mt. Rushmore. I then calmly explain that living wages are down, profits are up, and that the gap between executive pay and employee pay is at an all time high. Despite being faced with these arguments he still returns to the ideas that in a free market these supposedly abused employees could just go find another great paying job and move on. Because of course in a free market all things are equal (except of course for the tariffs and subsidies the government uses to manipulate various industries).

DNP

2008-02-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

It seems that every day the feeling grows stronger. I have so little inclination to play the game. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of being fake. Why should I act like something I am not just to sleep with someone? Personally, I do not understand the intense pressure to ‘hook up’ and why some people seem to use it as a way to judge themselves. It seems a bit hypocritical to lie your way into someone’s bed just to make yourself feel better. Of course I enjoy physical gratification as much as the next person, perhaps more, I am just way to leery of the pain so closely connected to all of my relationships with the opposite sex to push it much further. Maybe it’s just me though…

Worst Person Ever

2008-01-30T14:09:00.000-08:00

And the award goes to... MELISSA ARRINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I know 'retard' is a word that should not be used, but this woman earned it.

Wishful Thinking

2008-01-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

Having an administrative day today and during the cleaning/organizational process, I found these words that I must have scrawled down some time ago:

I’m over the caring
And the concern

I’m over it all,
Long may you burn

Gee, I wonder what they reference? They strike me as funny because they are so far from the truth. I wish I could get to a point where I was done ‘caring’, but when and if that will happen is anyone’s guess.

What She Said

2008-01-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Exactly! This is what I've been saying all along. Our country needs inspirational leadership and I can guarantee (warning: this is not a guarantee) you it is not going to come from Hillary. She is far too divisive a figure to get this country back on track.

Haunted by Loneliness

2008-01-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

As an introvert, one would think that loneliness would not be an issue, but I am really struggling with it as of late. I have this incredible nagging fear, almost paranoia that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. And frankly, I do not want to be alone. I do not want to grow old (older…) without someone by my side. I feel like there is an incredible void in my life and unfortunately, no amount of alcohol can sate it…

Drumbeat

2008-01-21T11:41:00.000-08:00

I’m getting so sick of this shit. Today the main headline of the Kansas City Star (link is not working-just take my word for it) stated, “Fewer Hit with Iran Bomb”. Talk about inflammatory rhetoric. Oddly, the first sentence of the article stated that the controversial EFPs were only “thought to come from Iran". This led me to write the editors a brief note:

I’m more than a little confused by the choice of today’s headline (Fewer Hit With Iran Bomb) because the first sentence of the article seems to contradict the premise of the headline by saying the bombs are only “thought to come” from Iran. So which is it, are the bombs from Iran or not? After a cursory search on the internet, it seems that there are plenty of conflicting reports as to the actual origin of the EFPs. Is the Star trying to rush us into another war, aren’t two enough for now? The last thing this country needs is more irresponsible reporting, saber rattling, and misinformation.

Seriously, after the whole WMD debacle and the complicity of the media especially the supposedly liberal New York Times, wouldn’t you think that editors and publishers would be a little more reluctant to print misleading war mongering headlines? Judging from today’s fish wrap, apparently the answer is no. Enough is enough, this shit has got to stop

The Natural Progression of Things, Part 2

2008-01-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

I always expect the Sunday New York Times to have one or two heart wrenching articles per issue, but I did not expect to find this week’s bawler in the travel section. 36 hours in Breckenridge. Cool, I can’t wait to see some of our old haunts mentioned. Maybe they will talk about the Brown, or the Hearthstone, or the St. Bernard. The memories came flooding back; back to the days of unfiltered Fat Tire, skinny skis, and mountain bikes without shocks. Days spent idling, afternoons searching for free happy hour buffets, and drunken nights ending at the Shoebox. Crap, back to the days when I actually had hair. Unfortunately, of the 13 or 14 places mentioned, I knew only two of them. We are not talking about a small town being razed here, just apparently, the natural progression of things. I was always saddened by the turnover of people in my beloved resort town due to its seasonality, but the turnover of businesses and places is maddening. I remember scaring my ex-father in law during a conversation when I spoke venomously about the development in town and the lack of control with which it was happening. I remember going in the direction of ‘Monkey Wrench Gang’ in the conversation and him looking at me like I was insane.

We used to live in French Creek, an area with crappy modular homes that were essentially one step above a trailer. One step above a trailer, but had million dollar views of the Ten Mile Range. We paid way too much rent to a Boulder slum lord, but could hop on a mountain bike and be away from civilization within 10 minutes. I would ride the old flume trails which the miners had used to sluice away refuse and transport goods. One day I came ripping around one of the bends and almost decapitated myself on a mocked up barbed wire fence that a developer had put in place to curtail trail usage. We thought the area was National Forest, we were wrong. Apparently, a small portion of the trail ran across an area that was to become trophy homes. A debate in City Council ensued and as always, the little guy lost. The trail was destroyed; errr, re-routed and the vacation homes went in. This story replayed itself throughout Breckenridge and Summit County year after year. Most of us worked two and three jobs in order to enjoy the quality of life, only to have it slowly eroded by money, greed, and power.

I have not been back in years. I have avoided returning for two reasons. One of course, is her. As anyone who has ever read a word I have written knows, those wounds are far from healed, and visiting the town of Breckenridge would probably be akin to hopping in an acid bath after running through a scrub oak field. The other is my fear. I fear the town I remember and hold so dear will be gone, replaced by corporate restaurants and glamorous resorts, gondolas instead of t-bars. Sadly, the two reasons are intertwined; without the tangible evidence of our years there together did those pictures in my mind really occur? Were those days real or just some odd waking dreams? Frankly, I am not certain anymore.

The Natural Progression of Things

2008-01-20T15:35:00.000-08:00

That is the natural progression of things. That is the phrase she used the other day to help defend her position on the whole ‘you are not my friend, you are nothing’ dust up. Her reasoning is that we have moved on, we do not need to share things with each other anymore; we are not each others release. On face value, her argument is valid. We should make other friends and have other relationships, I wholly agree with that statement. It would be irresponsible to oneself to not try to move on. However, she blew a big hole in her own argument when she said ‘our relationship now is based on the children and doing what is best for them.’ So, doing what is best for the children consists of hiding behind a murky statement and letting your ex suffer mightily for several weeks. Fine. Doing what is best for the children also seems to consist of one word answers to questions about their well-being and one word answers about what is going on in their lives. Doing what is best for the children is being evasive about your whereabouts (can you say crack house?). Doing what is best for the children is shielding them from their father? In my mind, doing what is best for the child does not involve divorce. That being said, doing what is best for the children is having an adult relationship between ex spouses. Doing what is best for the children is providing an example to them on how to behave in bad circumstances. Her parents do it, her siblings do it, my parents do it, and my sister does it. Why can’t the two of us? I’m sure that her parents and siblings would love to shout me down and I’m sure my family feels the same way, but none of them do. They act like adults and continue to communicate as such. I do not understand why she is so guarded with her emotions and with the way she communicates to me. I can only imagine what it is going to be like when we have to discuss plans for college or perhaps planning a marriage.

So, Soph is getting married.
Yes.
How do you feel about her fiancé?
Good.
Do you feel the relationship can last?
Maybe.
Can you expand on that?
Yes.
Will you?
No.
Why won’t you?
You’re not my friend anymore. I only talk like that with others.
Whatever, where do I send the check?

She does not seem to understand that we need to be friends. Actually, we need to be more than friends. I need to be her first phone call when something happens involving the kids. Not the call 24 hours later after all is resolved. Maybe she is afraid. Maybe she is fearful of her emotions. Maybe she worries that she will lose her temper with me and tell me just where to go and what to do with my thoughts. I wish she would. Maybe she is fearful because of some other reason, like maybe she knows she made a mistake or maybe she knows there is still something there. Regardless, I know the natural progression of things does not involve terminating an 18 year relationship because of needing to move on, while blatantly disregarding the children’s well being. The children she supposedly made all these decisions to protect in the first place. It’s so thick; I can even smell the irony.

Both Barrels

2008-01-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I got an explanation. It wasn’t the one I wanted, but it worked. And, as I stated before, I accept her decision, but do not agree with it. There is a bigger picture issue however and that is her behavior. She understood from five minutes after the incident happened exactly how hurt I was and she could have made it right. Instead she chose to let it fester. To let me continue to agonize over the comments she made. I took the high road until today. I let her have it. I told her how juvenile her behavior was and how disappointed I was in her that she would choose to act in that manner. How a normal person can ignore plea after plea from someone that she has three children with and has had a relationship with for over 18 years is beyond me. She knew how much I hurt and she just left me twisting. Rightfully, I will never view her in the same light…

I interrupt this regularly scheduled bitchfest to actually talk to her and them.

I’m not sure if that made it better or worse. I’ll stick with better for now. The kids sounded good and I believe we have reached some common ground. Is it possible to simultaneously want to strangle someone while holding them with every ounce of love and caring in your body? If so, I need to do that right now. I want to strangle her for letting me suffer for the past 18 days and I want to hold her because it is her and there is no one else like her. I’m a fucking mess and I hate it. Will it ever get any easier? She just completely devastated the last 2+ weeks of my life and yet, I want nothing more than to hold her close to me. It’s a sickness that I would not wish on my worst enemy which incidentally is probably her. Tears again...

Crickets

2008-01-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

Still not a chirp from her or them. Growing desperate. I need an explanation of some kind. Anything, please.

Those Were the Days

2008-01-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

Just a thought, but how far have we truly progressed from the days of the hunter/gatherers? Of course, technologically there is no argument against the progress we have made, but what about actual satisfaction taken from life? Personally, I think I would rather have an average life span of 37 years and be able to take a large level of satisfaction from providing for my family by slaying a moose by hand versus staring at a computer screen all day or trying to sell someone insurance. Life was certainly much more difficult in those days, but in terms of job satisfaction, I’ll take the hunting and gathering over driving my SUV to Piggly Wiggly to buy a frozen pizza. That’s just me though.

Headed in the Right Direction?

2008-01-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

It’s been 11 days since she declared me persona non grata. You know, the whole ‘you’re not my friend’ incident and she is sticking to her guns. Any attempt by me at simple conversation, friendly conversation is met with steely silence or brusque words. Worse yet, she has made no attempt to contact me other then when I leave a message to please return my call or text. No big deal except that she controls my line of communication with the kids. I have continued to search for reasons for her behavior, playing through our recent conversations and my recent actions. Nothing jumps to the forefront of my mind. I continue to try to work beyond this, but am struggling mightily.

In the past, I would really let this affect everything I did. I would have a hard time getting out of bed, functioning at work, etc.; the typical behavior of a depressed individual. It was also during that time of my life that I began searching, searching for reasons why I felt that way, and searching for ways to deal with it. The four Noble Truths of Buddhism came to mind recently to help me explain this situation:

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path

According to Buddha, I have brought on this suffering through my attachment to desire. The desire of course, is her. When it will cease is anyone’s guess as I am not actively ‘practicing the Eightfold Path’. Hopefully there are ways around the path, maybe a shortcut, or tunnel, or bridge or something. Really, anything would work, I am just so sick of hurting. Ironically, these are the eight ideals that must be practiced:

Right View
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Contemplation

Maybe I am closer than I thought…

So you draw a paycheck for that? Really???

2008-01-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

Hillary wins the New Hampshire primary and this is what we get from Maureen Dowd one of the supposed liberal columnists at the New York Times. Really?!? Miss Dowd wonders whether Hill can cry her way into the White House. Classy. Wow, did you come up with that all by yourself or is this really just William “I am wrong about everything all the time” Kristol’s ghost writing? Aren’t you supposed to be on our side? I am no Hillary fan. In fact, I think the only way a Republican can win in 2008 is if the Dems are dumb enough to nominate her (which incidentally, we are…) because she and Bill are such polarizing figures. People who haven’t voted since the 50’s will be compelled to come out and vote. Not actually vote ‘for’ a candidate, but vote ‘against’ a Clinton. Talk about single issue voters! As for the victory in New Hampshire, isn’t it possible (and I’m not the first to pose this question) that perhaps some of Hillary’s votes came as a backlash against the exact treatment that Dowd gives her today? Maybe, Americans are sick of reading and hearing bullsh*t misogynistic, sexist rants or in the case of Obama, bullsh*t racist, ageist rants? Here is a simple suggestion to journalists and inside the beltway pundits everywhere: try actually reporting and opining on the substantive issues in this election aside from race and gender. Just a thought. Our country is in a historically precarious situation given both the domestic and international climate that we have created and all we get is the Entertainment Tonight version of the candidates. Seriously, when was the last time you read a column detailing John Edwards stance on poverty and the ideas he has to help alleviate the problem. Now compare that to the last time you heard a talking head make some snide reference to the $400 haircut. Case closed.

Soul Sickness, Part 2

2008-01-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

The one thing that I have determined as I struggle with the decision about whether or not to move back to Ohio is that it is taking the fun out of the rest of my life. It has become all-consuming and utterly energy draining. Very positive things have been happening to me from a vocational perspective and yet, I have nothing. No palpable excitement, no sense of accomplishment, and no satisfaction for the fruits of my labor. Why do I continue to let her affect me this way? I wish I could say that I am done letting her win, but she has already won the most important battle; she controls the kids. She controls my access to them and she controls the way they view their father. A week ago I would have given her the benefit of the doubt as to whether she would intentionally use the kids against me. Obviously, her behavior has altered my thinking on that topic. I always thought she would be above it. Apparently not…

Divorced from Reality

2008-01-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

Divorced from reality. Normally I would use that phrase to describe myself, but something occurred recently in my life that helped me to change that perspective. She did something horrible to me. Intentionally cruel it would seem.

What do you mean you are not going to be home when I drop off the kids?
I have plans.
Where? With who?
None of your business.
C’mon, I’m your friend. Tell me. I don’t care if you’re having a relationship.
It’s none of your business.
I’m your friend, what’s the big deal?
You’re not my friend. You’re not my confidante or whatever. You’re NOTHING.

Utter speechlessness

I told her that was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever said to me. I told her that I considered her my closest friend. I asked for an apology and got nothing. I told her that regardless, I would always be there for her. I wrote her a long email blaming myself for bringing that behavior out in her. I didn’t tell her about the long handwritten letter I had composed last week after she told me I had a habit of always saying the wrong thing. I didn’t tell her that the letter praised her and thanked her for helping me get my life on the right track, to grow emotionally, and learn to cope with things properly. I also didn’t tell her that I shredded the letter and she will never see it. I also didn’t tell her I am still deeply in love with her, but she knows anyway. Finally, after two virtually sleepless nights I began to think. Until today I had given her a pass on the divorce. It had been my fault, my problem. I had caused it. But a new thought started to cross my mind. She was to blame as well. A friend said to me, that they all knew there was blame to be shared. I told him that unfortunately I had not been included in that group—until now.

She has issues. Physical issues and now it is evident to me, mental issues. She needs help. I told her that and received the exact response I anticipated. Utter silence, anger barely below the surface and subtle defensiveness. I told her that she had given me the same advice and that I had not wanted to hear it, but that it had also helped immensely. She said that she talks to her siblings and parents. I said she still needs to talk to a professional. She won’t until someone else tells her. She won’t listen to me. I am NOTHING, she told me so herself. I told her I was extremely worried about her, but I didn’t tell her how concerned I was about the children. Again she doesn’t want to hear that from someone she considers to be NOTHING. I told her she needs to let things out; to quit internalizing everything. She said that is just the way she is. I know that particular behavior is not healthy and that she needs to change for her own sake, but she doesn’t want to hear that from me because we all know what she thinks of me. I didn’t tell her that she is emotionally stunted and that trying to deal with her is like trying to deal with an adolescent. I didn’t ask her if she thought it was odd that her brother who is of very similar personality was going through a divorce as well. Somewhere inside she knows all of those things. I also didn’t tell her that her comments hurt me more than the divorce, literally broke anew my already shredded heart, but I hope that somewhere she knows that.

Yet, again I need to thank her. I am certain that her comment was not meant to have any positive affect on me, but it did. Thank you for helping to stop me from blaming myself. Through your actions you have allowed me to see the person that I never allowed myself to see. That person is me. A genuine, caring, compassionate, loving, human being, a human being who is in touch with his emotions and works to deal with them properly. Now I want her to join me because I miss her. I miss hearing her stupid laugh and I miss her meandering style of story telling. I miss her cooking. I miss her smell. I miss her hair clogging the shower drain. I miss her ratty-ass sweat pants and her curled form on the couch watching some mindless television program. I miss her character, her wit and her smile. Mainly though, I just miss her. Finally, I will send her this. I won’t just send a link to the blog, because she won’t visit. She won’t respond; she never does. Why would she when she can just stuff this somewhere deep inside her and let it fester until she explodes?

RIP

2008-01-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

For anyone that cares: This is the meaning of my lame username. Pay your respects...

Consumption

2007-12-27T14:11:00.000-08:00

Kill me now!!!!!!

We Need a Spine, STAT!!!!

2007-12-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

Above: America's finest attempt to resuscitate our world standing

After my latest onslaught of bullshit personal ramblings, self-centered whining, and general blubbering, I figured it was time to try to get back to some small amount of political commentary. And while, the shithouse in Washington has given me plenty of fodder for the small caliber varmint gun that is what’s left of my brain, I cannot help but focus on the bigger, perhaps biggest picture topic which is the future leadership possibilities of our once great nation. In watching the political contortionists that are the current slate of Presidential candidates, I cannot help but cry out, would someone just fucking stand up and lead this country! We need a leader, not someone that is going to kowtow to every special interest group regardless of size and/or relevancy (yes, I’m talking to you Fundamentalists!!!!). We need someone to provide some vision, someone to restore hope in our country. We need new life injected into our public discourse. We need to limit the divisiveness and try to move forward. We need someone who can convince the rest of the world that we are not the self-centered assholes that they think we are. I know some of you are going to be shocked to find out that there are more important issues than whether or not every fertilized egg should be brought into this world, or whether or not the poor and needy should be aided by public funds, or whether or not other countries should be allowed to develop nuclear weapons. Frankly, all of those issues are irrelevant because none of us are going to be around long enough for any of those things to matter if American leadership does not step up and lead this world back from the brink. We need a leader that will stop the say one thing and do another rhetoric that flows from easily the most despicable group of individuals to ever wander the halls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Our natural resources are a finite resource. We have passed the legitimate point of sustainability in terms of population on this planet. Steps need to be taken to control the population, expand alternative energy options, and control pollution. Sadly, the only country in the world in any position to do this is America. Despite all the goodwill we have wasted over the past seven years, we need to take that leadership role and run with it. If not us, who? If not now, when? (Don’t ever tell me I didn’t learn anything at those bullshit sales conferences…) For the love of God and all things Holy, would someone step up and lead!

I’m looking at you, Barack. Get this done.

Update: Boy, it looks like we're off to a really good start...

Soul Sickness

2007-12-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

Look me in the eye
And tell me that I’m satisfied
Were you satisfied?
Look me in the eye
Then, tell me I’m satisfied
And now are you satisfied?

Everything goes
Well, anything goes all of the time
Everything you dream of
Is right in front of you
And everything is a lie (or) and liberty is a lie

-The Replacements ‘Unsatisfied’

It’s fruitless. The way we live our lives is fruitless. We are wrong and we need to change. We are headed in the wrong direction at breakneck speed. My biggest regret in life is that I brought children into this world. Yes, I love them dearly and would do anything for them, but I fear for their future. I fear what the world will be like when (if) they reach old age because the direction our planet is headed is toward uninhabitability. How do I explain this fact to them? What do I tell them when that day comes? How do I explain to them that consumption is wrong and that we need to seek renewable ways to feed ourselves, to heat and cool our homes, to locomote ourselves, basically, to exist? My greatest fear is that they might ask me why; why I made the selfish decision to put them on this earth even though I knew that the place I was bringing them was not a good place. I will not have a valid answer to that question. Because your Mother wanted to is unacceptable. Do I level with them and say, I’m sorry and it was selfish. I did it for a woman I no longer live with and who no longer wants me. Maybe I should just lie and say I did not know any better. Sadly, I knew better. One thing I will do is from this moment forward do all I can to consume less and give back more. To walk when I can, to drive less, to garden more, to eat out less, to educate others, to hold my tongue with less frequency in the face of perceived wrongs, to act rather than think or fret, to care, to love, to spread ideas of sustainability, to convince that there is no tomorrow and that now is the time to act. Maybe that will help me with the guilt and the soul sickness that has so plagued my life.

See this film.

Pretty Girl from the Record Store

2007-12-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

With all due respect to the Avett Brothers, isn’t it alright to fall in lust upon first sight? It happened yesterday. Why am I always drawn to the weird ones? This one is part owner of a record store. Talk about a bad situation, I spend enough money on music that I should be placed in rehab or at least the focus of some sort of intervention.

It’s alright, Townser, put the vinyl down and we can talk about things…

Just admit to yourself that you have a problem, it’s the first step…

You really don’t need the entire pre-1985 SST catalog. You are using it as a crutch…

As per usual, we’ll have to wait and see how this one sorts itself out. Call me a pessimist, but I believe I already know the answer to that query.

Loneliness Revisited

2007-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

She said I have lots of friends. I said no, I have lots of acquaintances. She said I was parsing. I said what does this have to do with ill tasting garnishes? She said shut up. She was right, I should shut up. But I was right I only have acquaintances. A friend is someone that you can relate your wishes, desires, fears, phobias, and needs to without worries of judgment, negativity, or laughter. An acquaintance is someone at the bar who is happy to see you. Case closed.

Hat in Hand

2007-12-02T14:26:00.001-08:00

It seemed like forever as I held the door at the county Human Services building. Each crutch step allowed him to progress about three inches. What have I gotten myself into? Of course my first thoughts were about me; typically selfish to a fault. He was muttering about being late because of the time change. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Daylight Savings had started about three weeks ago. He was wearing tattered sweat pants, a heavy flannel shirt, an Elmer Fudd-esque hunting cap with Tom Cruise style Ray Bans placed on the outside of the ear covers. But the thing I noticed most was the smile on his face. It was huge.

The wonder of the human condition, here I am with seemingly everything going for me, the world at my fingertips, so to speak, yet completely miserable. And here is this physically destroyed human being with a soul that shines so brightly it impacts everyone around him. He entered the lobby and continued to thank me as he said hello to all of the people in the waiting room as well as the employees. Suddenly I found myself grinning. I couldn’t help it; it was like some sort of virus and as I looked around the room it seemed to be spreading.

I had arrived at the building with hat in hand in order to apply for assistance in buying a home through the county. Needless to say, as a college educated individual with a post graduate degree I did not feel that great about the whole process. I should be able to take care of this myself, but frankly, I cannot. The nature of my financial situation because of debt load due to a failed business, divorce settlement and current occupation make me eligible for this program, so what the heck? I’m sure there are plenty of folks out there who would not agree with me getting such an opportunity, but they probably would not agree with my gentle friend from the parking lot getting assistance either. Although apprehensive, my appointment went well. I don’t know if I will be accepted into the program or not, but the experience was both humbling and rewarding. The topper was that I had the honor of holding the door for the same man as he exited the building and we continued our conversation about the mysterious loss of an hour. He eventually entered a waiting transport vehicle and I walked to my car with tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m not certain where those tears were born, maybe; just maybe, they were tears of hope for humanity, of hope for renewal, of hope for me.

How the Pedal Steel Ruined my Life

2007-11-28T13:36:00.000-08:00

I asked my friends how love and happiness
Can get so far apart?

Why do lonely men and women
Want to break each other’s hearts?

-The Star Room Boys

I’m not sure if any truer words have ever been written than the lyrics above by Dave Marr, but I am sure that the pedal steel ruined my life and lyrics like those above fit perfectly with that instrument. Things were going along swimmingly until I heard that sound. You know, the sound of hearts breaking and lives being torn apart. There is something about the mournful wail of the pedal steel that symbolizes hopes dashed and dreams destroyed. One might ask how the soft simple strains of an instrument can cause such destruction, and I would ask in return, have you ever listened to one? The pedal steel just seems to be the instrument of lost innocence and squandered opportunity; two themes that seem to run throughout my life. Yet, being the masochist that I am, I cannot help but listen to that sound over and over. Maybe that is because it helps me understand that there are others out there suffering in a similar manner and have an outlet to express that grief tonally. It would seem to me that being a pedal steel player would be the loneliest most depressing occupation on earth, perhaps I should learn to play.

Tailspin

2007-11-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

At least I’ve made it this far. At least I’ve gotten to the point where I can recognize it, because it is coming and it feels like it is going to be a bad one. All of the pieces seem to be in alignment. The shorter, colder, sunless days, the miserable holiday season, the desire, no, need to self medicate, the utter hopelessness, the helplessness, the complete misery that is a depressive episode. Everything is gray. I have no desire to try to remove the filter that is affecting all that I say and do. I am done. I am just going to ride this one out. Someone please help, because I’m not sure I can help myself.

Art: Tailspin by Ramon de Graff

The Meaning of Life

2007-11-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time just trying to figure out what I truly want from life. And more often than not, the concept of happiness comes to the forefront of my mind. How can I achieve it? What are the elements that comprise it? Is it attainable? Does it even exist? Basically, what is it going to take for me to find happiness at some point in my lifetime, to be able to wake up each and every day happy? So my goal is to develop some sort of mathematical/scientific formula to define the concept of happiness despite my ineptitude with math and science.

For me, one of the biggest areas of the happiness equation is going to involve the delicate balance between solitude and companionship. I need my alone time. I need time to walk in the woods, to drive through the country, to sit at the end of the bar, to read, to listen, to watch. But I also need someone to share my life with, someone to laugh and cry with, to bitch with, to age with, to love with, to live life with. I used to think I didn’t need anyone else. I was wrong, dreadfully wrong. Unfortunately, the search for that person is the greatest cause of happiness’ polar opposite, despair.

Another part of finding happiness for me is an occupation that I can be passionate about or at the very least have more than a passing interest as to whether I succeed or fail. Money has never been a great motivator for me and maybe that is part of my problem, but I need more out of a job than a paycheck. I used to trade occupational satisfaction for quality of life. That works when you are younger, but now that formula is completely ineffectual.

Nature plays an important role in my definition of happiness. I need access to beautiful places. That place does not have to be the mountains or the beach, but something as simple as a couple of acres of woods, undeveloped prairie, or a glass smooth lake in the early morning. Nature provides the spiritual aspect of my existence, and without it, I tend to become more directionless than usual. There is just something incredibly soothing and reassuring about nature.

Family tends to be one of the more difficult elements of the happiness equation for me. The loss of my own family will stand as the single most devastating event of my life. I miss them dearly while at the same time; seem to understand that maybe the situation was irresolvable and that they are better off without me. On the surface that seems like a very selfish statement as it is irresponsible to bring three human beings into existence and then abandon them, but that surface view does not reflect the reality of the situation which is the simple fact that I was not a good human being around them at that time. It is clichéd to state that your family is the only group of people that will stand by you when times are difficult, but I have found that to be true. My parents and extended family have always been there for me to provide support, shelter, advice, etc. Without them, I am not sure I would have made it through some of the darker periods of my life like the drugs, divorce, and depression.

Probably the last major aspect of my personal search for happiness is art. I need music, books, films, paintings, and sculpture; basically anything aesthetically pleasing to my mind or ears or eyes. This is actually the only area of my personal search for happiness that I seem to have under control or at least a good grasp of achieving. Because of my family situation, I have a lot of free time to explore various art forms and do find inspiration from them.

So where does this leave me? As I mentioned earlier, everyone’s happiness equation is going to be different, but I think I have figured out mine. If:
A=art
J=job
C=companionship
N=nature
And
F=family
Then:
(A+J)/(F-N)*C=Life Sucks

And so it continues...

2007-11-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

She told me that she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. I knew it was coming. I tried to keep talking, to keep bringing up things I thought might change a mind already made up. Wasn’t Saturday fun? Oh, let me tell you about this idea I had. I was thinking about this the other day... Of course it was all in vain. One of the seemingly endless string of failures to brace my recent life was about to come to fruition.

Perhaps, I didn’t believe in my heart that she was the one, but I did believe that for the first time in a long time she made me feel things I thought were long since gone. Neglected feelings that I swore I would never allow myself to feel again. Frankly, I wish I had kept that promise because I truly dislike feeling the way I do now and I truly dislike the way it makes me think and act. I told her that I would have no regrets and that the sun would still rise tomorrow. Tritely, I do and it did.

I am remorseful, not angry, not bitter, certainly confused, and more than anything completely crestfallen. Maybe she will be the one to finally teach me the lesson that so many of them have tried to do before her; quit caring, quit being nice, quit putting yourself out there, just quit trying because the negatives fully outweigh the positives. She understands this, she said so herself. So why can’t I? I tried to assure her that there is no such thing as ‘love like the movies’, but somewhere within me I continue to seek it. Say one thing; think another is certainly not a healthy way to go about living.

Formerly, I would have pleaded with her, and then perhaps have been mean and vindictive. Not now. Now I am going to try to work through this. I fully respect her reasons and decision. Unfortunately I do not agree with them. It’s just that it had been so long since I had met anyone like her. I wish I could say, lesson learned, but I know myself too well.

More frustrating, is that I believe there truly was something, some kind of spiritual connection. I cherished our limited time together and hung on her every word. Our conversations would cause me to reassess parts of myself that I had long since forgotten or neglected or not dared visit for fear of what I might find there. She made me feel like I mattered and she made me feel special. No easy feat considering the ashes that I have been trying to rise out of. She made me smile, and she truly brightened my dimly lit soul. It’s much harder to smile now.

Not so fast, Mister!!!!!

2007-11-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am a mess. I just spent the last three hours driving in the country on a somewhat pointless real estate and nursery junket. I did not sleep last night and my head is reeling. I look like shit, I feel like shit and in my mind, I am shit. I thought the drive would do me good, but I think it just made matters worse. It was beautiful. A beautiful fall day, with reds, browns, yellows, and blues. Especially blues, lots of blues. Being alone in the middle of nowhere used to really do me justice as my head would clear and the thoughts firing through my mind would slow down. Typically, I could make sense of things. Those days seem to be gone. My son is a mess, and I do not know what to do about it. I know for certain that moving back is not the healthy response, but it seems to be the right response. What if I were to keep him longer in the summer? What if I were to seek additional custody? I am sure that she would do her best to crush me and my wishes in an extremely litigious ruthless fashion, so that is probably off the board. What about the progress I have been making? Do I just throw it away? It has taken me a long time to get to this point; can I legitimately just throw it away? I feel so incredibly selfish, so small, and so hypocritical. How am I ever going to justify this? I freely offer advice and pearls of my limited wisdom to friends and acquaintances while at the same time just absolutely floundering in my own ineptitude and inadequacies. If life is this wonderful ride of ups and downs why am I constantly the one with the spins?

Closure?

2007-11-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

When she could bring herself to look at me, I could see it in her eyes. Or more aptly, I couldn’t see it in her eyes. There was nothing there; no glimmer, no light, no hope, no cares, nothing. What was once between us seems to be dead, or at least hibernating. Even I, 135 lbs of hate, love, and raw emotion, could not conjure up any intensity toward her. Positive or negative, I just didn’t have the heart. It was not worth it. Surely, my eyes welled as I left them and it hurt as bad or worse as it always does, but nothing towards her. Is this what all the bullshit seers and barstool philosophers mean by “time heals all wounds”? In my mind, time has healed nothing. She put me out. The wounds are just as raw and exposed and painful as they have ever been. It is just that I have lost the will to battle, to care, to put MYSELF out there any more to be abused, disappointed, shot down, diminished, debased, and otherwise ruined emotionally. Am I right in acting this way? Should I give up the fight to reunite the family this easily? Shit, it’s only been around 4 years. I could probably rally for another decade of bitterness, vindictiveness, and self-pity, but who wins with that formula other than the local bar owners and their staff. There are times that I still want to scream her name and I still want her to understand that I am different now, but not to her face. I am comfortable letting those situations play themselves out in what is left of my mind. They hurt just as much there and as an added benefit, I can fantasize that they actually make sense and that she sees my point and that the family is back together, and that the good guys win in the end and that the sun rises tomorrow more brightly than it ever has.

In which my world is suddenly turned upside down

2007-10-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

It wasn’t supposed to happen. I was pretty certain that I would never turn the corner, but I think I have, or at least am in the process of doing just that. This week could go a long way in determining whether or not I will ever recover from the debacle that has been my life in recent years and in particular the relationship with her that no longer exists as I make the annual pilgrimage back to visit them for Halloween. What has changed? I met someone. Frankly, I cannot believe that I just typed those words; I freakin’ met someone. Someone that I can actually find some common ground with, someone that has walked a similar path, someone that listens, someone that communicates, someone different than her. When we met, we both agreed that we could not possibly be in a relationship. Her schedule is insane, and I am insane, hence the fundamental problem. In any case, here we are, seemingly headed in just that direction. We are taking it slowly, painfully slowly at times, but it seems to be right. Actually, what do I know? I could totally be misinterpreting everything as it has been years since I have been in this situation, but if nothing else, it feels right. All I know is that she makes me laugh and she makes me smile and she makes me feel like I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

Update: I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update II: I was right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Scene of the Crime

2007-10-10T17:16:00.001-07:00

I felt I was ready. It has been several years since I spent any time here, discounting of course the whirlwind 48 hours last fall for the football draft. Fantasy football draft party is essentially the same as bachelor party, just without a groom. Actually, not to digress, but maybe that is why the draft party has become such a big deal. Men seem to actually enjoy the preparation (i.e. research on the Internets and overpriced yet always wrong magazines) as opposed to selecting china patterns and linen. And the actual event is rarely cause for tears or glad-handing long forgotten relatives. Anywho, I am back in Colorado; a place that is as much a part of me as her or them. Just driving over the eastern state line heightens my mood. Somehow the air is better, the sky clearer. It’s the West, not the Mid West. Needless to say, I miss it tremendously. The problem is the memories. It seems that everywhere I go, she is there.

Like I said, I felt I was ready. I took this job largely because I could include Colorado in my territory and have a reason rather than an excuse to visit several times a year. Most of you will be shocked to realize that perhaps I made a bad decision. I am not ready for this. Over the last two days I have retraced footprints left years ago and unfortunately the emotions are as fresh as ever. Our houses that we lived in together. The parks we used to walk to together. The local pub. The local restaurant. Hell, even the dog park brought me to my knees. As great as it is to see old friends and business acquaintances, I fear the reward is completely trumped by the emotional cost. It all just makes me think about what could have been had I made the right choices. The choices that a rational adult would make, not the childish bullshit choices I made. Hell, I could be living amongst my friends with a nice home and a shitload of fantastic worldly goods. Instead I dwell in Mom’s basement with a storage unit full to the gill of boxes that have been neglected for years. I used to have many things and little remorse. Now the opposite is true. Obviously, worldly goods are not the answer, but I can assure you that obscene levels of regret and remorse are not either. Why it took me until now to understand just how good I had it, I will never know. I like to think that there was a reason for it, but as I continue my search, I cannot come up with one, or at least none has revealed itself to me. Maybe tomorrow, but forgive me if I do not hold my breath.

Buy this album.

Da Pain!!! Da Pain!!!

2007-09-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

It’s back. I had done my best to ignore it for the past 6 weeks with a sophisticated blend of alcohol, barbituites, and denial. Unfortunately an incident at my son’s school shook me back to reality. Just when I thought I had the bastard conquered, he lunges for my throat. Pain, gotta love it.

I really thought things had been going well. Both jobs are rolling along and I have a great idea for a business. I have been meeting new, interesting people (of both sexes, amazingly…) and have truly started to embrace Kansas City and find my way in its off-beat culture. Yet, somehow I knew it would inevitably begin to crumble.

I could tell by the tone of her voice during the message that there was some sort of problem. I do not typically get the 7:45 a.m. “call me” messages from her. In fact, I do not typically get messages from her anymore at all. As it turns out, my son had been suspended from school for threatening another child. Apparently in this post-Columbine, post-9/11 world that type of behavior is unacceptable. The threats were idle and were nothing more then kids being kids. The suspension was minor. The whole incident was minor, but the effect it had on me would hardly fall into that category.

Somehow I reasoned that this issue had roots in the divorce. That enormous sense of abandonment returned and the gears of remorse, rue, and regret began to turn in my head again. For the first time in 12 months I seriously began to contemplate a return to Ohio. Rather than let this sense of failure as a parent continue to dominate my life and dictate my behavior, why not return and face it head on? It seems so simple; why not just go back so that I do not always have that giant “what if” hanging over me. To any normal, reasonably sane individual the answer would be simple; unfortunately, I am neither normal nor sane hence the difficulties. If I am to return I need to know that she will at least make an effort at reconciliation. I need that for selfish reasons, but I also need it for the most unselfish reason of all—the children.

I am not the same person she divorced. I like to think I have changed for the better and I like to think that she would be able to recognize that in me and I like to think that things could move forward for the sake of the all parties involved. Of course, I also like to think that she is happy to be rid of me and doing better without me; hence, the pain.

On a lighter note, I could always go back to reading imbecilic, myopic ramblings. At least everything is right in the world.

The Politics of Hypocrisy: Pro-life, Anti-health

2007-09-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should not be surprised anymore regarding news about our current administration. Whether it is the recent disclosure of ‘data’ sheets used by people in the Green Zone to better understand the politicians that they are talking to, or the continued revelations regarding the extreme politicization of the DOJ, I should probably be comfortable with it by now. You know, close my eyes and whistle past the graveyard, but the news this week about the power of the infant formula lobby blew me away. Pro-life, anti-health. Is there any better way to describe the behavior of the Grand Old Hypocrites? Let’s see, every single fucking blastocyst needs to be brought into this world, but once they are here, fuck’em. Let them fend for themselves. Why does the Bush Administration care that the images in a commercial expounding the virtues of breast feeding are thought provoking and hard edged? It is scientific fact that breast feeding is more beneficial to a newborn’s development than formula. Oh wait; I just answered my own question. I forgot about the extreme aversion to science that those who reside in the White House suffer from. It shocks me that the same man who will not allow stem cell research to be federally funded because it destroys ‘life’, is willing to risk the health of said ‘life’ after birth because the formula lobby has deep pockets and considerable power in Washington. The whole situation turns my stomach. Can someone please suggest a nice country looking to accept American ex-pats? I have had it.

Cold War, Part Deux

2007-07-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

With all the positive news coming out of Iraq lately, I fear that this one might slip through the cracks. Coming soon to a theater of war near you, the new, improved, super-duper Cold War Part Deux! It seems the Russians, led by Dear Leader’s BFF, Pooty Poot Poot, have found it necessary to stop compliance with the Conventional Forces in Europe Treaty. Predictably, the White House was disappointed with the decision citing the little known “we are allowed to, but you are not” clause that applies to all NATO treaties.

So look forward to a surge in the building of bomb shelters, elementary school bomb training exercises, and *dread* an awful spike in the cost of cavier.

Gridlock

2007-06-10T14:43:00.001-07:00

With the recent failure of the immigration bill in the Senate and the pending gridlock on virtually every major political issue like abortion, global warming, stem cell research, energy usage, etc. I decided to step back and locate comparisons between the forces in my own heart and mind that seem to create personal gridlock and see if there are any parallels to those that seem to paralyze our government.

The first and most obvious is aversion to change. Even though I am fairly miserable and should be actively seeking change, somehow I talk myself out of it. Whether it is a new career, moving on from the divorce, or seeking new relationships, I just cannot seem to pull the trigger. Our government seems to function the same way; it’s the ‘even though it’s broke, don’t fix it’ philosophy of life and governance. For instance, the health care system in the US is an utter disaster. Doctor’s cannot afford to practice because of malpractice insurance rates, and Dog knows the rest of us can’t afford to use their services or in some cases even pay for insurance.

A close relative of aversion to change is the risk of failure. Hell, I should have no problem with this as I have seemed to master failure in nearly every aspect of my life except drinking (in which I have made the all star team 7 of the last 10 years…). Yet, I continue to take the easy way out, turn down the challenging job, not talk to the hottie who is actually looking at me, etc. Wasn’t it Al Davis who said, “Just coast, baby?” Our duly-elected leaders seem to follow that mantra incessantly. Why try to lead from the front when you can blend in and hopefully gain reelection for perpetuity? Term limits might help our government find its collective spine, but they certainly won’t work for me unless perhaps Mom applies a term limit to her basement.

I think a final reason for this gridlock, and maybe this is over simplification, but perhaps it is just human nature. Why try to be progressive? Why try to be proactive? Why should I try to better my situation when it is so much fun to wallow in misery and despair? Plus it gives you a great reason to drink. Why should we address global warming? Why should we seek alternative means of energy? Why should we seek to advance stem cell research? Oh wait, maybe because we should care about what we have and what those that come behind us will be left to deal with. Perhaps that is a little to progressive for this post though. I should probably just stay in the basement today.

Another Sucking Day of Suckiness

2007-05-22T14:44:00.001-07:00

As I just mentioned to my friend JPW over at AlabamaAssWhuppin' (if you have not been there, GO…he expounds on all things Drive By Truckers, Alabama, and the disaster that is the current leadership of this great country) I promised myself that my next post would be political, not personal. Well, as I have many times before, I am going to compromise my integrity, break a promise to myself, and dwell on personal matters yet again. Today is my middle child’s birthday. She turns seven. And as usual, I am no where to be seen. Yes, my dollars helped pay for her new bike amongst other things, but my eyes, arms, and heart are not any where near the festivities. ACHE. I just ACHE. I want to watch her blow out the candles on her cake, I want to watch her tear open her presents, I want to see the joyous expression on her face, I want to hug her and tell her how proud I am of her. Instead, I will have to settle for a phone call (already made) and a quick video IM session. And as I have mentioned before, I will smile and be excited while simultaneously wanting to sob.

For Her

2007-05-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

I know that I promised another post about what a miserable Dad I am following my recent visit to Ohio and it seems like this might be a way to kill two birds with one stone…

Since the separation and divorce, all holidays seem to hurt. However, this one ranks right up there with Christmas and the kids’ birthdays. The pain is a strange mixture of guilt, longing, and regret that sits right below the surface and fucks with you. It makes it difficult to concentrate or perform basic tasks. Sometimes it even makes it difficult for me to talk; it so consumes my mind.

Needless to say, I miss her. She carried and gave birth to three of my children. Her sacrifices are immeasurable. She is an amazing mother. Her capacity to understand the needs, desires, and actions of our children baffles me. Often when we were together and I wanted to run through the streets of our neighborhood screaming, naked, and possibly on fire because of the chaos involved with having three small children, she would just sit simply as if in the eye of the storm and resolve every issue, kiss every scrape, and correct every perceived wrong between whichever factions might be warring at that particular moment.

I’ve heard some say that that particular capacity of mothering is a natural instinct. I disagree. Spend time at any Wal-Mart on any given day and you will see plenty of mothers who lack that skill. They take the course of least resistance whether it is smacking the crap out of little Ruprecht or appeasing him with whatever toy/piece of junk has caught his eye that moment. She is different. There is an unbelievable calm within her. Maybe she should have gone into the counseling profession, perhaps professional golf, or medicine. She certainly would have been great in an E.R. I am thankful that she wanted to be a mom because I know that as bad as a father as I am, she makes up for it by being the mother and woman that she is. I stand in awe.

I'll have the burrito and a side of meth...

2007-05-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I have made another trip across the heartland to visit my children (don’t worry, I will have a post up soon explaining why I am perhaps the worst father in America) and the thing that really hit me is the impact that meth is having on our country. I stopped to camp near the town of Marshall, Illinois and ventured into town to grab a bite to eat before crashing for the evening.

As far as I can tell, Marshall is a typical small Midwestern town with an agricultural based economy. The trees that line the main road have yellow ribbons tied around them and there are numerous signs thanking local kids for their service in our armed forces. The local diner had maybe a dozen patrons on one side while there seemed to be some sort of Elks/Oddfellows type meeting going on in the other half of the restaurant. I sat down at the counter and was greeted by a rather large young women (don’t get me started on the obesity problem we have…wait, meth cures obesity…hmmmm) who told me it was her first night and to bear with her. No problem. I immediately noticed the other waitress who was on break and sat totaling her checks a couple of stools down from me. She bore all the signs of meth addiction; the lesions, nubby teeth, a jaw seemingly working on 4 packs of Big League Chew, and of course the saucer eyes. I pegged her for a tweaker immediately and tried to enjoy the craptacular salad that I had been served.

Eventually, the meeting from the other side of the restaurant broke for the evening and all these 50, 60 and 70-something salt-of-the-earth, Midwestern males stood in line to pay their tabs. Watching the meth addled waitress attempt to take care of these guys was simultaneously humorous and heart wrenching.

Do not misunderstand me here, I like drugs. I think they can be fantastic and have been known to ingest as many as humanly possible on some occasions, but meth sucks. It is not fun. It is not euphoric. It does not open your mind. It is fucking evil. And it seems to be taking over our country. Sadly upon returning to Mom’s basement I went out to dinner with some friends in our generic wealthy suburban enclave to have another tweaker wait on us. I know the service industry can be brutal, but is meth necessary? How about a nice line of the yeo? Or perhaps a little reefer?

Uncle Dick's Excellent Adventure

2007-04-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

There has been much speculation on the intertubes regarding Uncle Dick’s performance during Bush’s presser yesterday. Well, speculate no more. Townser has got it all figured out. I have heard from an anonymous source inside the administration (is there any other kind?) that Uncle Dick has been searching for some new members to join the coalition of the (un)willing in our imperialistic battle to take over the world, er, export democracy to Iraq/Iran/Syria and every non-democratic society. And the winner is….

With the Knights that say "Ni" on our side we cannot be stopped...